January 1, 2009

First & Forty

First post in nearly two months, first post of the new year, first post since turning 40. But that was only 2 weeks ago. Feels like a lifetime, what with the holiday time-warp that took place immediately after, the rush towards Christmas, the push to get everything just right. It wasn't just right, but no one noticed, and it all turned out fine. (Point taken.)

There I am in the picture above, on my birthday, in the snow, in Yosemite. I like that picture of myself, with the kids close by -- but not too close. At a slight remove, am I. I don't always mean to be, yet that's where I usually find myself.

A new decade along with a brand new year and so it's hard to resist the pull toward resolutions and from now-on's and never-agains, although I really suck at those. I'm not one to make lists, to create charts, to devise schedules. They make me leery and suspicious that I'm going to morph into someone else. Like an organized someone, heaven forbid.

I will say this. I'm getting too old for all my old habits of apologizing, all the pointless guilt, all the icky tangle of thinking too hard about trivial things that don't amount to nothin'. Given the choice, I will unfailingly pick the hardest, rockiest path over and over again. But maybe that's just my way. Maybe I should just go with that, and embrace my propensity for leaning into the wind and tilting at windmills. It occured to me today, for intance, the I may not ever decide, or pick a definitive side, on my long, internal pro & con list of whether I actually like living here in Temecula. Some days I love it. Some days I like it okay. Other days, I can't wait to get the hell out of Dodge and back to civilization.

It's a moot point, what with the housing market out here, and how we're pretty much stuck regardless. So maybe I can just....go with it. Be content, if not happy, with the good days and the bad days and just be glad that we have a roof over our heads and a fixed rate, old-fashioned mortgage. Nobody, except me, is actually pointing a gun at my head and demanding that I choose LOVE IT or LEAVE IT.

Kind of like how I feel about blogging, now that I think about it. Still, here I am, for now.

I realized the other day that I don't blog too often, because, you know, somebody might read it. Which, turns out, sums up my many fundamental issues so well that I think I've just saved myself a bundle in the the therapist's office.

Instead of a list of resolutions -- remember, I suck at both -- here's a small set of quotations from Eleanor Roosevelt which seem particularly pertinent to me right now. And if you read between the lines, you'll see all my hopes for myself and my future writ large for you.
I have spent many years of my life in opposition, and I rather like the role.

A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Which is very closely tied to the following, for me: Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

And, finally, and the best one of all:

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

All I have to do is tattoo that one onto my arm, and the rest will be cake. Right?
Happy New Year!

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